I really enjoy when I am challenged, to some extent, to lay on the stupid. This is where Fiction 440 comes in. It is a Lansing based group, which challenges folks to write a flash fiction story of no more than 440 words. The stories usually have to contain certain words or feature a theme.

Tonight is the 10th edition of this event (at Soup Spoon Cafe), and the stories had to include the words Score, Sack, and Fumble.

Now, Fiction 440 doesn’t require your stories to be stupid or silly, but that is just what I go for. These stories are read aloud at places which serve booze, so with that in mind, I try to make my stories as ridiculous as possible (here is my first submission, Party Pooper).

My entry for tonight’s event, A Good Day, is below. It has ‘space Vikings.’¹ Yes. I have a feeling I will not be asked to attend the next event. I also wrote this in about 20-30 minutes, and went right up to the midnight deadline, so if there are any grammar or smelling errors, that’s why. Which is fine. Sometimes you just need to take a Devil May Care approach to writing and crank something out, space Vikings or not.

Erik stood on the bridge of his dragon head spacecruiser and watched the chaos on the view-screen. Lasers flashed outside. Ships exploded. Men died. It would be a good day.

Erik hurled his mug of space-mead to the floor, “To battle.” The crew cheered as the spacecruiser broke its orbit and screamed for the planet’s surface. The Pantheran laser satellites were only a threat above the planet. Erik’s brother Lorn, expecting an easy sack, ignored the satellites and approached Panthera at maximum speed. His charred, lifeless ship floated in the starry ship-graveyard above the planet.

Erik gripped the handle of his laser-axe, Veinbiter, as the ship entered Panthera’s atmosphere. The time to mourn his brother would come later. Now, there was only time for one thing: battle. Erik snapped on his stained, purple helmet as the helmsman counted the seconds until touchdown. Each of his helmet’s dents and scratches told a story.

The dragon head ship burst through a bank of orange Pantheran clouds like a nightmare. The Pantherans who were not in awe, ran, as the wedge-shaped ship landed and shook the ground. Erik was the first off the ship, and whirled Veinbiter over his head. A pair of Pantheran warriors roared and flashed their yellowed, dagger-like canines. They lunged for Erik, but Veinbiter was faster and tore their silver flesh. Blue blood sprayed and pooled at Erik’s feet.

Two. A good start, Erik thought, but far from evening the score of his lost brother. Lorn’s brawn and blade would be missed, but Erik looked at the upside: it meant more Pantherans for him.

Another pair of Pantherans felt Veinbiter’s kiss and joined their brothers on the ground. Four. A decent effort, for an ill man, as Lorn would have said. Another swing of Veinbiter, and a head sailed several yards. Five.

Erik threw his shoulder into a Pantheran making a feast of one of his men, and they exchanged blows. Erik’s helmet had a new story, and his tally went up to six.

A thunderous roar cleared a space around Erik. An eight foot tall Pantheran warrior with a flowing silver mane, roared again and ran for him. Its clawed feet tore up the shimmering green grass, and its silver tail whipped about with every step. Erik pulled a detonator from his utility belt and hurled it at the stampeding beast. The Pantheran fumbled with the detonator as its curved handle became entangled in its mane.

A flash. An explosion. Seven. Under his helmet, Erik smiled. Today would be a good day, indeed.

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¹ While it does not take place in space, I highly recommend the Viking novel, The Long Ships. Its influence on this story cannot be stressed enough. Here are a couple of other flash fiction pieces inspired by the book. One . Two. They are equally ridiculous.

Now, to play Jack Hanna for a moment (sans khaki). A degu is a Chilean rodent—sort of like a poor man’s Chinchilla. Or, as Steph likes to say, “If a hamster, a rat and a Chinchilla had a baby.” She may even have thrown raccoon in there too. Regardless, Cosmo has plenty of what experts call, Cute.

What makes a degu a rather fun pet is they are, unlike hamsters, very social. At this point, after hours spent bribing Cosmo with oats, he will happily hop into Steph’s hands and hang out. Cosmo is a far cry from Steph’s late hamster, Melon, who wanted nothing to do with her.

The biggest change for me is getting re-accustomed to Steph talking to someone else while I am visiting. Her cooing whispers of “Who’s a pretty boy?” are no longer merely directed at me. My fragile ego is having difficulty adjusting.

The worst of it came over the weekend. After dinner, Steph said, “Are you fat? Or are you just growing up?” I was nearly in tears before I realized she was addressing Cosmo. To add salt to the wound, this happened only a few hours after my unsuccessful attempt to buy a new pair of jeans. Trying on jeans immediately after the holidays is not the best thing for one’s self-esteem.

I think the jeans people (“Big Denim”) change the sizes every few months. Sure, it may have said 32, but it didn’t fit like the 32s I wore to the store. They are, of course, in cahoots with the weight loss/gym cabal (“Big Skinny”). Think about it: Big Denim alters the jeans sizes, a rube (Me), believes they have gained a few extra pounds, and then thinks “Dang! I better get to the gym!” and Big Skinny benefits. Then, after a few months of weight loss meetings and gym memberships, said rube (Me), buys a NEW pair of jeans.

One hand washes the other. It all makes so much sense. Wake up, Sheeple!

–
¹ During the Summer, when I am clad in a tank top and shorts, I am often confused for a werewolf, or a short Bigfoot.

² From “Cosmos.” Steph is a fan of NASA, science fiction and Outer Space. I have yet to find out her feelings on Innerspace, however.

Much to the enjoyment of my neighbors, Stephanie, bless her heart, bought me a ukulele for Christmas. [GeekMom has an informative post on 'a' or 'an' ukulele - Ed.]

A uke is an interesting instrument, as it causes an immediate reaction from my social circle, which varies depending on one’s age/generation/blood alcohol level.

Mom, aunts and uncles: “Can you play any Tiny Tim yet?”

Stephanie, sister, cousins and friends: “Can you play any Zooey Deschanel yet?”

And then, Dad: “Can you play Big Bottom yet?”

Simple, right? When I cook, I have a sort of sixth sense about what I should, or should not, include in a recipe, and it typically never fails (although it did lead to my infamous BBQ Bay Leaf Stir-Fry Pasta).

My Cooky Sense tingled while I threw chunks of veggies and scoops of lentils into the slow cooker. In my freezer, I had bones from a rotisserie chicken. I took a page from the Carl Weathers School of Cooking (as seen in Arrested Development), and kept the bones, because, to paraphrase Carl, there was still plenty of meat on the bones and could be used to get “a stew goin’.”

I pulled the collection of bones from my freezer, which resembled something from The Thing (the old The Thing, not the new The Thing), and hurled a few into the slow cooker.

After a few hours my soup, like a Kardashian marriage, was finished. Each spoonful tasted great, and also brought me closer to my own doom. I was watching Burn Notice an educational program while eating, so my eyes were not on the contents of my spoon.

Then I felt it (no, not presence of my old master)—something like a rock in my mouth, which rolled its way to the back of my throat. I hacked and gagged, and after a spit-take any Stooge would be proud of, a chunk of bone sailed across the room and plinked against my TV screen.

While I had meant to only use the larger leg bones, I had apparently grabbed a few of the smaller, easier to swallow bones too. In this case, a vertebra—and thankfully, a chicken vertebra (you never know).

I told this story to Stephanie [girlfriend - Ed.], and she merely shook her head, as she is prone to do when I explain Anything to her. “Why didn’t you just boil the bones in a separate pot and pour the liquid in the soup?”

I only shrugged, and went to work deboning the remaining gallon of soup.

This was taken in Old Town, Lansing during the Scott Kelby Worldwide Photo Walk.

"Yes, the lines and the value of the contrast embody the true Feelings of the artist: the search for the white door inside all of us. Open it, won't you?"

 F16 (Fighting Falcon?), 50mm, 1/255 sec, ISO 100

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Geek Speak – Walk Like a Man to Jersey Boys

Ginger and the Geek – Podcast 035

"I really admire your photography, and some day I intend on viewing it."

 F11, 50mm, 1/320 sec, ISO 100

Ah, yes–balance (not to be confused with the Van Hagar album)

Call it what you will: the struggle between Light and Dark. Good and Evil. Coffee and Tea. It is a favorite subject to be discussed, even being a running theme for a series of six religious films. I witnessed this natural example whilst on the 2011 Scott Kelby Worldwide Photo Walk in Lansing’s historic Old Town.

I took a bunch of photos, but this one stuck out. Why? Look at the Light Side. It is not without its imperfections, signifying that even those who present themselves as being “in the Light” are far from perfect.

It also makes a case for the advantage of trying to meet someone in a dimly lit bar or discothèque. Why do you think Darth Vader wore a mask?

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Geek Speak–Steve Jobs has Passed Away, EarthBound Revisited, pt. 4: Zombies!

Lovable Geek – Photo: Big Cat Naps

Plaidurday Blog – Great Moments in Plaid on TV and Film

"There are times I hug myself, just so I can feel something."

 F1.8, 50mm, 1/100 sec, ISO 400

No, these are not my latest batch of foster cats. These happen to be a pair of Snow Leopards at Lansing’s Potter Park Zoo. They may look cuddly, but I am certain they would not want to snuggle with you–unless you were wearing meat pajamas, which I wouldn’t really recommend, as I have seen what they can do to chunks of meat.

No love bites here!

Joking aside, these are gorgeous animals which are, sadly, endangered. Fun Fact™ — one time I was at Potter Park Zoo and I heard what sounded like someone calling for help. Turns out, it was just one of these darling beasts. Kind of creepy, but fascinating at the same time–just like my one man show about The Brady Bunch.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – Podcast 034 – Julie Mann, Schuler Books Events, Plaidurday

Geek Speak – EarthBound Revisited, Pt. 3: Happy Happy, LoveLansing: The Loft

Lovable Geek – Photo: A Few of My Favorite Things

The Idler – Welcome to Twin Peaks

"I'll take it."

Taken with a Samsung Epic Android Phone, processed in the Vignette Android App

Whilst on a constitutional in downtown Lansing, I spotted this delightful sight–a Bell’s Brewery beer truck parked near the Capitol. I over-saturated the colors in Vignette, because I figured, why not? Actually, the real reason is the girlfriend suggested I do so.

Clearly, she is the Talented One of our Lansing Power Couple: the Nancy to my Ronnie, the Eleanor to my Delano, the George Michael to my Andrew Ridgeley.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Geek Speak – Watch This: Drive (film review), Geek Speak – EarthBound Revisited, Part Two: A Spiteful Crow Stole My Breadroll

Loveable Geek – Longtongue Bearsson (Photo)

"Don't judge me."

 F5.6, 135mm, 1/100 sec, ISO 200

After leaving the devil-fire spewing, shirt-peddling clam in my wake, I continued on to the land of the Northmen. But, as I reached the Great Bridge, a shadowy being blocked my path. He stood about eight feet tall, and was an abominal mixture of features both bear and man.

“Halt!” the beast thundered. He stood with a bit of a hunch, and a long whipping tongue whirled around his saliva caked maw, as if searching for crumbs. “Son of Man, you must pay a toll before traveling across the Great Bridge.”

“What manner of Troll-Magic is this?” I countered. My hand fasted around my sword, Frownsender.

“No magic,” the beast answered after swatting away a thick cloud of devil-eyed black flies. “It is the Law.”

“Northern Law governs not the Men of the South,” I snapped.

The beast lumbered nearer. Dagger-like claws adorned his shaggy paws, and wherever he stepped, the ground quaked. “It is not Northern Law, South Walker,” he spewed. “It is my law.”

My eyes became slits. I regretted trading my mail vest for the talking clam’s Ships Happen shirt and two pounds of fudge. I spotted a pile of skulls and bones just beyond where the beast had been standing. Further to the point, I was low on silver, and doubted I had enough to cover the devil-bear’s toll.

He sniffed and halted his approach.  “Is that fudge I smell?”

“What if it is?

“I am willing to let you pass for a pound of fudge.”

“I only have half a pound,” I lied and hoped he could not smell how much I had.

“Half of something is better than all of nothing.”

I felt this was well said, and tossed a chunk of fudge to him, which he caught with his whipping tongue. He savored the flavor for a moment and stepped aside to grant me access to the Great Bridge.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – 033 – The Man From Dragon*Con

Geek Speak – Earthbound Revisited, Part One: All My Friends are in There

Note: Not Pac-Man

 F1.8, 50mm, 1/100th sec, ISO 200

I came across a giant watery beast during my travels to the land of the Northmen, just before the Great Bridge which connects our two lands [Mackinac Bridge - Ed.] across the Angry Straits.

The demon clam spake to me in a tongue most alien and foul as it tried to lure me to spend my last few silver pieces on trinkets and baubles, “Walker of Land! Hear me!” it cried, its mouth aglow with devil-fire. ” You would do well to own this humorous shirt in the shape of  a T.”

“Away, Demon of Commerce,” I shouted. Its breath reeked of lake-weed and dead fish. I lifted my sword, Frownsender. “Pester me no more.”

“How can one not find enjoyment from this clothing?” begged the water-devil. “For it has the visage of the noble long ships which fill our waters, and proudly claims, in the most wounderous of font, ‘Ships Happen.’”

I whirled Frownsender within an inch of the foul water-devil. “Silence! Your magic is no use against me!”

“What about this fudge? It is sweeter than the kisses of a dozen princesses.”

“I shall not ingest any confection made by a talking, demon clam,” I growled.

“If you buy a pound, Walker of Land, you get another half-pound for free. Today only!”

I stroked my beard in thought. It was a Good bargain.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

CiesaDesign Bloggle – How to Speak Geek

Geek Speak – Geek Speak – MST3K: Joel or Mike?, Geek Speak – Watch This: My Interview about Final Fantasy VII on Double Jump

Lovable Geek – Photo: Underground

Magic of Eyri Podcast – 041 – In Thru the Out Door

Not a good place to lose a contact lens.

F1.8, 50mm, 1/80th sec, ISO 3200

A mine is a terrible thing to waste, so it is a great you can tour a few mines in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. I went on a tour of the Delaware Mine, and I was only a little bit scared. However, I did expect some manner of eldritch horror to leap from the shadows and feast upon my ASICS running shoes. Thankfully, aside from being buzzed by a few bats, the girlfriend and I escaped somewhat unscathed.

Being 100 feet underground makes one feel a little weird, and fills you with a feeling of “I shouldn’t be here”–so now I know how James Franco felt when he hosted the Oscars.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – Podcast 032 – 5000 Blinky Cups Can’t Be Wrong, Tiger Cage 001 – Food of the Gods

Geek Speak – Watch This: Attack the Block, Go to This: The Big Zoo Party at Potter Park Zoo

Lovable Geek – Photo: Feral Novel

The Idler – Movie Sign with Mystery Science Theater 3000

Watch out for wandering packs of cover-less novels. They hang out by the river, and smoke.

 Taken with the Retro Camera App for Android Phones

Ah, Street Photography. You have to love any medium which let’s one pass off black and white photos of street trash as Art. I spotted this topless novel on Lansing’s River Trail. I do not know how or why it came to be there, but I can only guess its previous owner rid themselves of the novel after they finished their filtered cigarette.

The real travesty is, upon reading the Sister Mary Rose McGeady byline, my memory instantly shifted back to my high school English teacher’s “Sister Mary Elephant” joke. The travesty not being said joke, but the fact I had forgotten about it for so many years. Time to work that baby into my regular rotation. That will go over great at this year’s Christmas dinner.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Geek Speak – Upper Peninsula Odyssey, part 7, Comics to Lend to Your Non-Comic Reading Friends

Lovable Geek – Photo – Sing Me a Song, You’re a Singer

Lost Highway’s B-Movie Reviews  (as Tiger Sixon) – Bloodtide

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

Day 7 – July 30th, 2011

This was our last day in the Upper Peninsula, and we had a long drive from Marquette to Gaylord. Thankfully, we planned to break the drive up with stops along the way. I missed the Keweenaw Peninsula already, but I did not miss Steph spending hours with her head out the car window, yelling “MOO-sees!” in hopes of luring a bull moose out of hiding.

Our first stop was just what appeared to be a regular roadside park (there are many in the Upper Peninsula), but while walking around I noticed a sign for the Face in the Rock. I could make a proto-Facebook and/or Wall joke, but–aw crap, I just did.

The Face in the Rock was a totally random find on our part, but it showcased all the history around us in the Upper Peninsula. But enough history–we wanted to see some bears.

My neck tasted like Froot Loops, I guess.

Oswald’s Bear Ranch  is a gem. It is a family run tourist stop, with a bunch of black bears on display. Upon paying for admission, the lady attendant informed me thus: “You and yer woman can get yer picture taken with a cub.” Hot dog. I (sadly) handed my camera over to one of the bear wranglers, and he (sadly) switched from the full auto mode (where I set it for him) to a different setting, resulting in a slow-shutter speed and blurry photos. Oh well. The other wrangler had us sit on either side of a black bear cub in a chair.  Yes. In. A. Chair. We held our hands out, and the wrangler filled them with a bear’s favorite  food: Froot Loops.

He must be very popular.

The cub happily munched on the Loops de Froot, while the camera guy went to work. Then, much to my surprise, the cub turned toward me and started to LICK my NECK. If you have never had a bear cub lick your flesh, it is a rather unique experience. Joking aside, I never once felt in danger, except maybe in danger of too much cute.

"Hmm. Yes, this is quite good, but I would have rather enjoyed a bit of honey. *AHEM* I mean hunny."

There are many, many bears to view at the Bear Ranch, and it is easy to tell the place is a labor of love for the Oswald clan (OK, well they do charge to get in). Enough with the bears though–waterfalls and beers awaited!

"It comes in pints?"

Not far from the Bear Ranch is the Upper Tahquamenon Falls State Park (which I entered without any additional charge with my Recreation Passport), which is home to the Tahquamenon Falls Brewery and Pub. It was a hot day, so the place was jumping, but fortunately we were not forced to wait too long for table. I was ready for a beer, post-haste however.

Steph and I shared a flight of samples. I was heart-broken to find out they no longer had their cherry wheat on tap, which was a favorite during my visit in 2008 (I still share the tale of it to this day, whenever I am gathered around a roaring fire with the young ones, and the moon is full).

So pretty. Except for the stupid stake thing in the bottom of the frame.

I, at long last, was able to eat some fresh Lake Superior trout (Steph had a pastie). A senior couple from south Texas worked their way through the crowd (ignoring the line of folks waiting for a table) and took a seat on the unused half of the table next to us, much to the confusion of the couple using the other half of the table (I’m a fan of run-on sentences). More interesting was how they enjoyed their lager: they sprinkled salt into the beer. They told us it was What Was Done when it came to enjoying a lager back home. We had never heard of such a thing, but Steph equated it to salt with a margarita. Regardless of how they drank their beer, it was great to see tourists from out of state visiting the Upper Peninsula.

The Upper Tahquamenon Falls are quite the sight. Good job, Nature.

Obligatory Slow Shutter Speed Photo of a Waterfall Photo

You can walk between the Upper and Lower Falls, which we did not do because it took awhile. But, the Upper Falls State Park is very pretty, and was perhaps the busiest of all the State Parks we visited.

Where is Mario when I need him?

I spotted this interesting growth on a tree.

"And here is our State bird, the Whatsit."

Sadly, the Falls were our last stop on our Upper Peninsula Odyssey. We did drive through Paradise, but we did not have time to go to the Shipwreck Museum, and that is a place worth spending a few hours enjoying.

We headed South, back to the Land Beneath the Bridge, and back to our daily lives, but with plenty of memories and photos to make us thankful for the beautiful state we call Home.

Bless you, Michigan. Stay beautiful–because if your looks start to go, I’m on the first plane out to Northern California.

Singing: UR DOIN IT RITE

 F5.6, 200mm, 125th sec, ISO 3200

Dr. E showed us how It Is Done at the 2011 Lansing Jazz Fest (I was on the volunteer photo team). No jokes here, she was great and my favorite act of the night. She is also quite the dancer. She puts on a full show, if you ever get the chance to see her act, Do It. And somebody bring her a towel.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – Men With Beards and Why She Loves Them

Geek Speak – Upper Peninsula Odyssey, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

Lovable Geek – Octopus in a Jar

The Idler – A Moscow Mule, in a Copper Mug

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

Don't even think about it.

Day Six – July 29, 2011

Breakfast was at a little Finnish restaurant in downtown Houghton, Suomi Bakery and Restaurant. It was another recommendation by a friend.  I had what they called a “Finnish Pancake”: a sort of baked custard thing called a Pannukakku.

Pannukakku, I choose you!

I loved it. Suomi was a great place for breakfast–the staff was super friendly, AND the give you a whole carafe of coffee for your table. My kind of people. I also bought a loaf of nisu, which is a sweet bread. Tasty stuff (it is good for french toast).

After breakfast, we ventured North toward Copper Harbor, and we took the Brockway Mountain Drive–which is something You Must Do.  It is a scenic drive to the top of a mountain, and it is a beautiful drive. But, prior to reaching the peak of the mountain, we stopped at the Jampot–a bakery/jam shop run by a bunch of monks (see their no parking sign above). And let me tell you, they do great work. We bought a jar of thimbleberry jam (it only grows in the UP here in Michigan) and a PB & J brownie (a friend’s recommendation). Outstanding.

Good work, Michigan.

The view from the top of Brockway Mountain is “drop to your knees, wow” worthy. You are around 700 feet above Lake Superior.

Note: not a still from a JJ Abrams movie.

The most impressive thing about the view from the top of the mountain is the trees and water just keep going. There was a dog walking around in the parking lot by the gift shop, and we figured it was just the park ranger. In the store, the woman (with a thick accent) told us the dog was just “the welcoming committee.” And, Steph finally found some greenstone jewelry.  But wait–it cost more than we had in cash and the shop could not take credit cards.

What to do? Steph and the lady worked out a deal: she wrote down all of Steph’s information (address/CC number) and told us to go to Grandpa’s Barn, a book store in Copper Harbor. There, they could run a credit card sale. So, she came down from the mountain with a ring, although my mom was disappointed to hear she was wearing it on her right hand. And that she paid for it herself.

In Copper Harbor, we got the ring business out of the way first thing–and got to see a super cute retriever puppy at Grandpa’s Barn. Next was a visit to Fort Wilkins State Park. After finding a place to get pasties for lunch (thanks to the ladies at the State Park for help), we  walked out to Agate Beach.  It is a hike, but very much worth the work.

"441, 442, 44...6. No, wait. 4..uh..Crap!"

I quickly saw how this beach earned its name. It is all stone. Surprisingly, it is comfortable to lay on.

Guess what we're giving out on Halloween.

I also quickly learned that if I ever need to keep Steph busy for several hours, I should just teleport her to Agate Beach. She kept herself very busy looking for pretty rocks. And licking them. Yes. Licking them. She claimed this was so she could see the colors and patterns easier. Gross.

I could have walked back to town, spent a couple hours in a bar and she wouldn’t have noticed I was gone. This was the only time on the whole trip where I had to be the one to say “we really need to get going.”

Cue Moria jokes!

Our next stop was the Delaware Mine Tour. Sweet Mother of Batman. We walked 100 ft (I think) below ground on a self-guided tour. It was 45 degrees below ground, which was refreshing. But–it was SUPER creepy. It didn’t help I kept making Lord of the Rings/Moria jokes. Steph was not amused, and was very scared (I wasn’t doing much better).

"Hello?"

Sadly, our Journey Beneath the Earth was cut short when a bat swooped by Steph’s head and she freaked out. Oh well. Side note: the owners of the mine have pet skunks, and they are super-cute (smell thingys were removed).

Moscow Mule

In Calumet, we went to Shute’s Bar and, thanks to another friend’s recommendation, ordered a Moscow Mule. I did a write up about the experience for The Idler. Bit of trivia: the copper mugs our drinks came in were worth $25, EACH. Fancy drinkware for a $4 drink.

Hanging out at Shute's

Shute’s, like the Doghouse in Houghton, is vintage from the 1800s and is jaw-dropping beautiful. Did you know Calumet was considered as one of the towns to be Michigan’s capital before Lansing was chosen? Also, Calumet (and a big chunk of the Keweenaw) is part of a National Historical Park. Steph and I ran into a Park Ranger while walking up and down the street.

Wow.

There are a lot of really old buildings in Calumet, and most are not in the best of shape–but they make for great photos. And there is a microbrewery! I learned about Red Jacket Brewing Company from John at Michigan Microbrews, and it was great. Steph had their oatmeal-espresso beer (10% ABV), which she said was “Coffee, in beer form.” After a sip, I agreed. I had the Pale Ale, which was also tasty. Red Jacket is in the Michigan House Cafe, another historic, gorgeous bar (good chow, too).

Please don't poke the building.

Then, we begin the schlep back to Marquette. This was perhaps the longest and most tiring of drives I had to do in one stretch. Hours later, we stopped for a late dinner and a flight of beers at the Jasper Ridge Brewery in Ishpeming.

Bottoms up.

Once again, we were treated to blueberry beer, which was tasty, as was the pizza (I’m a sucker for bar pizza). Our arrival to Marquette put an end to our very long day, but it was a fun, long day, and perhaps one of my favorite of the whole trip. I went 700 feet above lake level and 100 feet below ground level all in the same day–what’s not to like?

Next: the long drive home, waterfalls, beers and bears–oh, my. Oh, my indeed.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. He likes Lord of the Rings jokes. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

Colors.

Day 5 – July 28, 2011

[The title of this post is a reference to a song by that modern day bard, Mojo Nixon. - Ed.]

Leaving Marquette in our wake, Steph and I continued our pilgrimage toward the twin jewels of the Keweenaw Peninsula, Houghton-Hancock. Our first stop was the Da Yoopers Tourist Trap, which is free (and has bathrooms). It is a collection of humorous outdoor exhibits which poke fun at Yoopers and tourists. You can find it near Ishpeming, which has the best high school team in all Creation: the Hematites.

At said Tourist Trap, I picked up a bag of Trenary Toast: thick slices of dry Cinnamon toast, which will last until Doomsday (give or take a week). “It’s sort of like lembas in Lord of the Rings,” I told Steph. A blank stare. “Uh, forget it…” Pro Tip: dunk your Trenary Toast in coffee or milk.

On our way toward Baraga, I spotted the sign for the Canyon Falls Roadside Park and decided I needed a break from driving. Am I glad I did.

Water! Rocks!

You need to see this place. This was my first (but not last) “Wow!” moment of the trip. The trail kept leading us further into the forest, where we did see the titular falls–and so much more.

Love it.

But the falls did not show up all at once, we had to work our way down the path and were treated to some great views of the river.

This reminded me of those creepy floor monster things in Legend of Zelda.

Like this waterfall foam, uh, ring. It just kept spinning, and spinning, and spinning, and spinning.

Rocks! Sliding! Over the years!

This is the stuff which really blew my mind–I did not expect to see such rock formations. On our trip down the trail, we were joined by a guy in a suit and tie–perhaps on his lunch break–he told us: “This was going to be a National Park, but then World War II happened and they never got around to it.”

"STEPH WUZ HERE"

The falls were very pretty, but I was more impressed by the canyon walls and rock formations which surrounded us. Steph climbed out onto a ledge and built a little rock tower (see photo above). I wonder if it is still there?

I wish I had brought my water shoes. And my wetsuit.

I was in awe of the whole place. Too bad our serene moment was ruined by a woman on her cell phone: “I’m on a hike. A hike! NO A HIKE! H-I-K-E! HIKE!” Sigh. But, Fate did me a solid a few moments later. A ways back into the falls, we came across what looked like the evidence of a picnic, but in fact a trio of 20-something bikini clad girls were swimming in the river. Huzzah!

The increasing heat caused us to seek the shelter of my car’s AC and we continued on toward Houghton-Hancock. But, we had one more side trip: The Shrine of the Snowshoe Priest, aka “Spider-Jesus.”

"Hi!"

This thing is huge. 60 feet tall. The shrine of Bishop Baraga earns the “Spider-Jesus” nickname because of the cloud platform he is standing on–which is supported by the four curved beams you see there. It is quite the sight.

Slam Evil!

This was another “Wow!” moment–and the second of the day. We basked in the awesomeness of the shrine before making the last leg of the trip. And let me tell you, I was NOT ready for the roads in Houghton-Hancock. One way streets! Big hills! Bigger hills! After a few days of two-lane flat roads, it was a bit much. We tried to drive to the Library for lunch, but, after I crossed the bridge and ended up in Hancock, I decided to just go back to the hotel and park–which took some time, thanks to the aforementioned one way streets. The drive over the bridge was nice, however.

Huzzah, more beer.

We ended up walking to Keweenaw Brewing Company in hopes of lunch, but quickly learned they did not serve food. I gave the bartender my best (worst) “I’ll be back,” and ventured to the Library. A flight of microbrews was ordered, and every thing was right in the world. Good food, too.  This is where we first learned: you can drink for cheap in the Keweenaw Peninsula. I think this flight cost us maybe $5.

KBC OMG

As promised, we returned to Keweenaw Brewing Company for our second round of samples. Let’s back up for a second here though: Houghton has two microbreweries about a block away from each other. How amazing is that? Very. How cheap are pints at KBC? Very.

No cans here.

I’m already a fan of KBC, so it did not take any arm twisting to get me to visit. It was a bit odd drinking KBC out of a glass though, as I usually only get it in cans here in Lansing.

Our adventures did not end there either–we walked, at least a mile or so, up hill, both ways, to a gift store so Steph could search for some greenstone jewelry. Which ended up being too expensive. Hooray. But, our travels were not totally in vain. We stopped at the Doghouse and, as recommended by a friend, had a pickled egg (with another beer).

Don't eat more than two.

I was a bit, shall we say, concerned about eating such a thing. I have only ever seen pickled eggs in the likes of Simpsons episodes at Moe’s Tavern. But, this whole trip was an adventure, food included. I followed my friend’s eating advice to the letter: “Bite off the tip. Add hot sauce, jalapeno pepper. Eat. Don’t have more than two.” I did not inquire as the reason for the limited consumption, but I was happier not knowing. Our bartender gave us the history of the Doghouse, which was a gorgeous old bar in the Historic Douglas House. I love bars (and restaurants) with 100+ years of history.

Later, after visiting a few shops, one of which employed a very helpful local gal, we partook in the hotel’s (basement) hot tub and pool. This time, we did not have to tell anyone open it first. We dined downtown, and managed to catch the sunset. Somewhere in the distance, the bag pipes were played. No lie.

Next: Adventures Beneath the Surface of the Earth, a Moscow Mule, Copper Harbor, and more.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. Seriously, it is so cheap to drink there. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

Stare into his eyes. Yeah.

Day 4 – July 27, 2011

We said farewell to Manistique (again, after a delightful waffle breakfast) and headed North to Munising, home of the Pictured Rocks Tours and the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. The weather was not looking all that great for a three hour tour boat-ride: dark, cloudy, rainy. Blergh.

I made the Executive Decision (starring Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal): we would skip the Pictured Rocks tour, unless the weather broke by the time we hit Munising.  Thankfully, the trek to Munising was not without its charms. I spotted a military surplus store, and practically did a U-turn at 55 MPH. I love military surplus stores. Why? All the wacky gadgets and gear. I came very close to buying a black trench coat, but the price was a bit much for a second-hand item ($40). I did not spot any MRE’s (Meal, Ready-to-Eat), otherwise I may have bought a couple for fun.

Not shown: someone in a barrel.

As feared, the weather did not break upon reaching Munising proper, but we checked out a couple waterfalls, which are plentiful near the town. Lunch was enjoyed at Dogpatch, a Li’l Abner themed restaurant, which is a Munising institution. It is a silly place, but in a good way. The chow is good and there is plenty of it. However, the highpoint of lunch was when a friend of Steph’s (from Lansing) spotted us across the room and came over. She was on her honeymoon. Crazy.

Steph and I toyed with driving to where you can walk to some of the Pictured Rocks lakeshore, but the weather was so iffy, we opted to walk around downtown Munising, stopping for a coffee at the Falling Rock Cafe and Bookstore. Much to my joy, I found an Elric book, The Vanishing Tower (aka The Sleeping Sorceress). I always look for Elric books at used book stores, it is bit of a hobby.

Falling Rock has good coffee and a great book selection. I picked up a H. P. Lovecraft book during my previous visit in 2008. You can buy a mug and keep it on the wall. The walls have more mugs than a Jim Carrey movie.

But enough about books, coffee, and the oeuvre of James Eugene Carrey: the township of Christmas awaited.

Cue tumble weeds.

Christmas, Michigan isn’t so much of a township as it is, and mean no disrespect, a strip mall. You have two Christmas themed stores, one of which is closed (and has been since before my last visit in 2008), a casino, and a couple bar/restaurants. The giant Santa in the photo at the top of the post stands guard outside Santa’s Workshop, like a thin wooden Talos (yes, I just made a Jason and the Argonauts reference). Do stop in and check out Santa’s Workshop, they have some great gifts for sale, and the staff is very friendly. If you need to grab a bite, try Foggy’s Steakhouse.

Citizen (Candy) Cane in Fun with Selective Color Effects.

Sadly, the other Christmas tourist spot/shop is shut down. But, it makes for interesting photos (like the closed post office above).

Fun with Camera Perspectives™

Case in point. Mrs. Claus has seen better days. Also, try not to stare at her hand too long, as it is rather creepy.

"Before me stood an idol, its ruby and ivory visage crumbling and broken. Its piecing blue eyes looked into the very depths of my soul. In the darkness around me came guttural chanting,'Santathulhu fhtagn! Santathulhu fhtagn!'"

Speaking of creepy. I have no idea how long this stuff has been left on its own.

Stripes falling off? You need Stripe-Stop!™

I wonder what this place looked like in its prime, I really do. I don’t savor showcasing decay, but I feel that such things should be documented.

Blood Lane was already taken.

Christmas is worth a visit, especially if you enjoy taking photos. But, it is a “blink and miss it” kind of place.  After taking (too many) photos, we continued on to Marquette. Steph, thanks to the Roadside Attraction website, found out about Lakenenland along the way. It is sort of a UP version of the Meijer Sculpture Park–and better still, it is free. Stop in, it is worth your time.

It just keeps going and going.

I really loved Marquette. Steph and I had a lot of fun downtown on Front Street. It would also be the only place which reminded us of home, what with all the “big box stores” on the outskirts. I toyed with moving there for about three seconds, until I learned they get an average of 141 inches of snow a year. Oh, well.

Downtown Marquette is great. Steph found a Cajun restaurant (who woulda thought?), Lagniappe Cajun Creole Eatery, via Yelp and it was super-tasty. But, our next stop was even more fun–the Vierling Restaurant and Marquette Harbor Brewery: our first microbrewery of the trip.

Pardon the flash.

As was my goal for each microbrewery we would visit, I ordered a flight. The bartender teased us with a “OK, but you better finish them all.” I replied with, “Fear not, making beer disappear is my only talent.” And then she gave us eight (8!) samplers. I’d be lying if I said I could tell you what each of these glasses contained, but I am honest when I say I enjoyed them all. Their blueberry wheat, with said berries in the glass, was quite tasty.

On our way back to the hotel, we stopped for a night cap at The Wild Rover, which Steph fell in love with upon first sight. “It looks like a castle!” she cried. “How can that not be a fun place?” Her prediction proved true. It was very nice inside. We each had a beer, and debated which film started the superhero film craze.

Her: Unbrekable (she’s a Shyamalan fan girl, and the only reason I saw Last Airbender in the theater).
Me: X-Men.

Steph can turn the geek on when the mood strikes her.

Next: Spider-Jesus, Canyon Falls, and Houghton-Hancock.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. It was X-Men. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

It is called Big Spring because Very Clear Water With a Year Round Constant 45 Degree Temperature was deemed too silly.

Day 3 – July 26, 2011

After a tasty continental breakfast (with waffles no less), Steph and I headed West for our first stop: Big Spring (aka Kitch-iti-kipi), located in Palms Book State Park. We were once again blessed with a pretty day, which was good considering our stops for the day were all outside.

Big Spring is worth a trip to the Upper Peninsula alone–it is a magical place. OK, I say that a lot about places in the UP, but go there and tell me I am wrong.

Pretty.

Big Spring, as the name would suggest, is Michigan’s biggest natural spring. It cranks out thousands of gallons a minute, and the water is super-clear. You can see fish swimming around, plain as day. The water is 45 degrees–year round. That’s right, the water doesn’t freeze! Too bad we can’t make a PC out of Big Spring water, AMIRIGHT?

Ahem.

Pictures and words do not do Big Spring any kind of justice. It is a sight to behold in person. You ride a raft to the middle of the spring and can see straight down–there, fish swim past as the sandy bottom churns and swirls.

Near Palms Book is the Thompson State Fish Hatchery, which makes for a fun, albeit short and free, side trip. Fish are born and bred there–and are used to stock lakes and such. On the premises you will find vats of baby fish. Thousands of the little things. One wonders what would happen if you fell into the vat–would you suffer the death of a thousand nibbles?

The Fayette Historic Townsite was our next stop.

Slanty Shack.

Fayette is, in ever sense of the word, a ghost town. It had its hay day back in the 1800s, and the town boomed. Then, business dried up and this company town was deserted. It is preserved, to some extent, as a Michigan State Park. The empty buildings are still there, including the old furnaces and kilns. You can see all of this for only the price of a Michigan Recreation Passport. $10. That’s it. For $10 you get into Fayette and any other State Park (or you can save the $10 and just not bring a car).

Budget at least a couple hours here, as there is plenty to see and just walking along the beach and harbor is worth the visit. It is a gorgeous place. After Fayette, Steph and I grabbed lunch at DJ’s on the Bay. Four older guys were enjoying a lunchtime card game when we entered. We each had a whitefish sandwich and big cup of coffee. Tasty. With the weather being nice, and tomorrow’s being questionable, I decided to bump up our trip to the Seney National Wildlife Refuge to today.

How can you not enjoy this?

I have been wanting to visit Seney since 2009, and it was certainly worth the wait. It is over 95 thousand acres of land set aside only for animals. While not quite the same as a National Park, the refuge has the same goal: preservation. You cannot camp in Seney, but you can drive (or walk/bike) on a 7-mile loop (there is a spot to fish too). The speed limit is 15 mph, but that is way too fast if you have any hope of spotting animals.

The folks in the visitor center made it clear it was possible we would not see any animals (it is not a zoo), but we had a good haul: Trumpeter Swans (Steph claimed to have spotted more than 70), Canada Geese, ducks, chipmunks, butterflies, an otter or two, maybe a beaver (or a muskrat, or a mink), Sandhill Cranes, Eagles (near their nest), and Loons. I was very ecstatic about spotting the Loons–and better still, we were able to hear a few of their haunting cries.

"Hey! Wait up!"

We spent around two hours making our way through the refuge, taking time to stop and get out of the car, with my binoculars and camera at the ready. Snapping a good shot posed a challenge, as the animals were so far away (the Loons were out of camera range), but at least I had binoculars. Seney, like Mackinac Island, is a place were you have to slow things down to get the most enjoyment. This is not a “zip through and see everything” place. Nature sets its own rules here. I could (and would) have spent all day at the refuge. Hell, I could go every day for a week and see something new each time.

We saw more wildlife outside of Seney too: a deer family crossed the road in the morning, wild turkeys near the shoulder, even a turtle in the road (which I managed to avoid at the last minute). But Steph had her own favorites: a pair of older couples dressed in matching clothing at breakfast.

Steph was sitting across from me, enjoying her waffle, when I saw her eyes lock on to something behind me. I knew that look. It was her bewildered “OH MY GOD, WTF” look. She leaned in, “when we’re in our sixties, can we go on vacations wearing matching red panda t-shirts?”
“What?”
She nodded to the couple behind me. I pretended to check if there were any more bananas left and took in the sights. Wow. One couple was, in fact, wearing matching red panda t-shirts. Another was dressed in matching shorts and yellow polo shirts, with some kind of logo.

"Oops, nevermind."

After Seney, we returned to Manistique for dinner at Marley’s Bar & Grill (a recommendation from a friend). Marley’s had some great decorations: specifically the vast collection of Christmas decorations (I suggested to Steph that the Marley name may be a reference to A Christmas Carol). I also had one of the best sandwiches of my life: Cudighi. The menu said it was an Italian sausage type of sandwich, but I had never heard of cudighi (and I’m half-Italian with a large Italian family). I learned it is yet another Upper Peninsula dish, like the pasty. It was outstanding.

Post dinner, Steph and I photowalked a bit around downtown Manistique. They have an adorable main street with plenty of old buildings.

Next time: Munising, Christmas, and more.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. Just the good half. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

"When you said you were into sea-life preservation, this isn't what I had in mind."

 F1.8, 50mm, 1/100 sec, ISO 400

I met this charming…uh…thing, while on my way to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. You can seek it yourself, if you so wish, at Sea Shell City. It accepts tributes of blood, ancient stones, or a child’s tears. Pay no mind to the strange, fishy appearance of its caretakers. #lovecrafthumor

#

Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – Podcast 030 – Octopus Squad

Geek Speak – Upper Peninsula Odyssey, part 1, part 2

Lovable Geek – A Very Dangerous Animal at the Detroit Zoo

Magic of Eyri – Podcast 040 – Owls Well that Ends Well

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

You have to pay just to walk on the porch here. I expect to be billed for uploading this photo, too.

Day Two – Monday July 25th, 2011

Steph and I woke up (too) early to make the hour drive to St. Ignace to catch our ferry to Mackinac Island (TIP: taking a ferry out of St. Ignace is a quicker trip) on the other side of the Mackinac Bridge.

We were blessed with a clear, sunny day–Mackinac Island is best experienced on such a day. Sure, one can still amuse themselves on the Island during a storm, there are bars after all, but enjoying Nature is the Reason to visit, regardless of what the fudge shop advertisements would have you think.

For those unfamiliar with Mackinac Island, it is small and beautiful. Sort of like an island equivalent of Kristin Chenoweth. And like Ms. Chenoweth’s tiny frame, automobiles are forbidden to drive upon Mackinac Island. Your options of transport are feet, bike, or horse (and perhaps piggyback, if you find a willing party, but good luck).

There is an interesting duality to Mackinac Island.

On one hand, parts of it are, I would say “opulent” but neither of my two readers know the meaning, so I’ll say “the kind of place one needs a few yacht club memberships and at least a III after their name to feel at home.” Case in point, the Grand Hotel, and the lavish “summer cottages” dotting the hillsides away from main street.

But, on the other hand, the vendors of main street will gladly take money from anyone, regardless of their social standing and could care less if they own a yacht, a dingy, or even a rubber duckie (and they will gladly sell you the latter). The Grand Hotel requires a gentleman to wear a jacket after a certain hour, and ladies, as Steph savored reading, were not allowed to wear “slacks.” The Pink Pony, a favorite haunt of mine, not to be confused with the Prancing Pony in Bree, had no problem with my cargo shorts, three-day old beard and Pac-Man t-shirt.

It didn't taste like a pony. Thankfully.

The prices at the Pink Pony, for the Island, are reasonable, and the sandwiches are big. Better still is the Pink Pony Ale, regardless of its origin. Like Arthur and Ford in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, we needed a couple drinks as a “muscle relaxant.” We had some serious biking ahead of us–and to be perfectly honest, main street Mackinac Island is much easier to handle with a bit of a buzz.

This is no laughing matter. OK, it is.

But, I do not drive a few hours North and spend money on a ferry ride to buy fudge and ride bikes–I visit Mackinac Island because it is a lush natural wonder. The bulk of Mackinac Island is a Michigan State Park–which is a blessing. This protects its beauty, which is worthy of a National Park.

Not an ocean, that's a lake. A GREAT Lake.

Arch Rock, Sugar Loaf, the shoreline, the forest–these are the reason to visit Mackinac Island. Take in the nature around you. Savor the views. Check into Facebook to brag, if you must, but do yourself a favor–sit. Wait. Let it soak in and speak to your soul. Sugar Loaf and Arch Rock are a sight to behold. Study their shape and realize, “Nature did this, all on its own.”

This would not be improved by a Wal-Mart or more roads.

Go in search of a trail in the forest, or on the shore, and walk away from the tour groups and crowds. Share a quiet moment with the Island. Quiet is the keyword here–there are no cars. No sounds of engines, no buzz of a busy city. Just nature.

Gaze out into the horizon of the Great Lake before you. We are so fortunate the State Park on Mackinac keeps the island a place for anyone to visit, and prevents it from becoming a playground for only those whom can afford to own a home there.

Sprinkles grew tired of Daisy's water bucket conversation.

Steph and I rented bikes and toured the interior of the Island (no fixie this time). The views were outstanding. The hills make for some interesting biking, to say the least. I wanted to do the “ride around the shore” trip, but we did not have time.

Biker Gang has a different meaning here.

I did spend $14 on two tickets for the Haunted Theater. It is a collection of dark corners and hallways, populated with illuminated displays of monster sculptures. Further in, however, employees growl in yours ears, bang on walls and scare you. The entrance fee was worth every cent when Steph became so terrified, she began screaming and pulled me through the last few hallways. By force. My shoulder was sore for a good hour afterward.

Those horses are lugging luggage.

After returning to the mainland, we headed West on US-2 to take in the GarLyn Zoo. Castle Rock had been on our agenda, but we had many miles to put behind us before reaching our motel for the night in Manistique, and was sadly skipped. The GarLyn Zoo, while small and rustic, is cute and has its charms. You can feed Fuzzy the Bear an apple by rolling it through a length of PVC pipe.  A sudden rain storm made our visit a short one, and kept me from snapping any photos.

In Manistique, we dined on cheesy pizza at a local eatery/bar, Teddy’s Pub, which was quiet and relaxed–the exact opposite of main street Mackinac Island. At our hotel, we asked about their hot tub. Our host said she would be glad to open it up for us, and to let us know when we were ready.

“Wow, they have to open it up for us?” Steph whispered. “That’s a first.”
“Look at it this way,” I answered, “at least we know for sure no one else is using it.”

Next: Kitch-iti-kipi, a fish hatchery, and a ghost town–Fayette.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. He missed having a fixie. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

During the last week of July 2011, I went on a road trip with my girlfriend from the middle of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, to the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in the Upper Peninsula. 1,300+ miles were driven, hundreds of photos were taken, and dozens of Michigan beers were drank. Hilarity and misadventures ensued.

I am a fan of the Great American Road Trip.

I blame my father. In my teenage years, Dad would plan “mystery vacations,” which were road trips where only he knew our points of interest and final destination. Most of these surrounded around, as he put it, “dead presidents”–we would visit the grave or tomb of a Commander in Chief who had, to use the Monty Python vernacular, “ceased to be.”

The beatings will continue until you start having fun.

This July, I planned a week long voyage to, and across, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Joining me on this trek, was my girlfriend Stephanie, because we all need a co-pilot, or more specifically a navigator. Her smartphone quickly became the MVP of this trip, thanks in part to Google Maps and her Yelp app.

Anyway, enough preamble–let’s boogie. Day One – Sunday, 7/24/11

After our stop at the Michigan Welcome Center in Clare (on 127-North), Steph asked if we could make a slight detour to visit her old summer camp, Mystic Lake. She not only attended the camp, but was a counselor.

I never went to summer camp as a teen, but I feel as if it was a big part of my childhood thanks to summer camp documentaries such as Camp Candy, Salute Your Shorts, Ernest Goes to Camp, summer camp slasher movies, and the Meatballs franchise. Part of me feels a bit cheated, but then my not going to summer camp allowed me to spend many hours playing Earthbound for Super Nintendo and not talking to girls, instead of interacting with other teens at a camp or learning what a training bra looked like.

The location of the Indian burial ground was left off the map for some reason.

Mystic “Don’t Call Me Crystal” Lake looked like every summer camp I had seen on a screen: a mess hall, living quarters, and a swimming dock. The “buddy tag” system caught my eye.

“Buddy tags?” I asked. I read the rules painted on a large sign by the dock. It stressed only touching your own buddy tag, which amused me.

Steph said, “You don’t mess with the buddy tags.”
“Noted,” I said, wondering if this was ever turned into some manner of camp-centric pick-up-line (“Hey babe, wanna mess with my buddy tags?” or “I’d give anything to mess with her buddy tags”), which I floated by Steph. She rolled her eyes.

We walked past a weathered boat house, which had a flotilla of boats and canoes older than I. “Was there where everyone snuck out to at night to make out?” I asked.

Steph laughed, “Maybe, but there were much better places.” I didn’t press the subject. Steph led me to a series of tree-house like living quarters. Each “house” was named after an animal, something I’m sure the Harry Potter fans enjoyed.

Steph pointed to one of the houses. “I used to live there.”
“Beaver House?!”
“All of the senior girl counselors lived in Beaver House.”
“…Wow.” Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

We continued North, and stopped for lunch at Spike’s Keg-o-Nails in Grayling, which Steph found via her Yelp app. We shared an order of soft pretzels (with mustard, yum) and split one of the “famous” Spike burgers. It was worth the stop for the food and the people watching–a canoe race was starting on the nearby river, so Spike’s was flooded with folks wearing team t-shirts.

Dad’s side of the family has a cabin in Gaylord, which would be our stopping point for the evening. But, since Gaylord is only an hour from the Mackinac Bridge, we decided to drive up to the St. Ignace area and take in a few sights.

But, no trek to the Bridge is complete without a stop at Sea Shell City. It is a gift shop filled with all kind of sea-themed items, and the several hundred pound “killer” giant clam.

"I could kill ya if someone dropped me on yer head! So the killer title is quite accurate! Hey! Come back!"

It also houses a few other interesting items, like a pickled octopus, which looks like some manner of eldritch abomination one would find in a classroom at Miskatonic University.

"Our Cthulhu Cultist Combo-Pack also includes a feeler-covered mask, an idol, and a pocket version of the Necronomicon."

Post-Sea Shell City, we crossed the Bridge to the Upper Peninsula. We had hoped to stop at the Weird Michigan Wax Museum, but it was closed and for sale. We walked down the street to the Mystery Spot, but opted for the Maze in the Woods instead, as both of us had already visited the titular Spot. After paying for maze tickets in the Mystery Spot gift shop, we inspected some of the Mystery wares.

“A Mystery Spot hoodie would be fun,” said Steph.
“You know what they should really sell?” I said.
“What?”
“Women’s underwear with Mystery Spot written on them. With a big question mark on the crotch. Those would sell like earplugs at a Rebecca Black concert.”

Steph walked away. Quickly.

"Join us."

While venturing through the maze, I tried to remember an episode of Batman: the Animated Series, where the Batman said there was some kind of rule to mazes. I kept going left–which did lead us out. Cartoons saved the day again (related, ask Steph to tell you the “Aviary of Doom Episode” story).

Our next stop was the deer ranch down the road on US-2. We got to pet fawns, and feed white-tailed deer carrots–including white white-tailed deer and albino white-tailed deer (there is a difference).

Note: Not a patronus.

Our last stop was a sight seeing tower/gift shop place. It favored sea shells as a decoration.

"Starfish are SO last year."

It is the type of place where you pay a couple bucks to climb a tower to get a nice view of the Mackinac Bridge. Totally worth it.

I made it black and white because it is Important.

The shop appeared to be quite OK with graffiti on the staircase and tower walls. Nearly every available inch was covered. Steph added our initials to the collection, thanks to my trusty Hayner Pen. Van Halen and Poison fans appeared to frequent the tower.

There was not enough space to include Zeppelin Rules.

Tired and hungry, we returned to Gaylord for dinner at Gobblers (home of great turkey dinners) and to rest up for tomorrow’s adventure: Mackinac Island.

–

Daniel J. Hogan is the geek half of Ginger and the Geek. He is also a photoblogger and host of the Magic of Eyri Podcast. He finally saw what a bra looked like in his mid-twenties. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.

A brand new multi-million dollar exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.

 F13, 50mm, 1/100 sec, ISO 100

I came across this terrifying beast at the Detroit Zoo on a recent trek. Thank Thor it was locked behind a sturdy fence, for I would have needed a change of pants otherwise.

The Detroit Zoo needs to update their signage as well, as it is painfully obviously this is a Golden Squatted Hydrant, not the Crimson Domed Hydrant as shown in the sign. Think of the children!

"Beep."

F1.8, 50mm, 1/125 sec, ISO 1600

I call the blue one Peely.

The green robot in this photo is obviously the only friendly robot on the wall. It is waving hello. How nice.

Or, perhaps it is trying to lure me into a sense of false security. Its faceplate and green color makes me feel safe, so I approach. Then BAM! A face full of laser, or a mechanical hand crushes my windpipe.

Looks can be deceiving, for sure. It is the reason I don’t trust car salesmen or Care Bears.

Insert Reference to the Twilight Zone episode about the Guy Who Reads Stuff.

 F1.8, 50mm, 1/100 sec, ISO 400

Ah, books. Those portable gateways to Other Worlds, be it Oz, Middle-Earth, or Sweet Valley. I found these at the Michigan State University Surplus Store. It is the sort of place where you buy books by the pound.

I wish I could buy more items by the pound. Like pancakes. “Yes, I’d like ten pounds of pancakes please.” Or “Give me a stone of your finest sarcastic tshirts, my good man.”

Speaking of books, someone needs to have the guys from Dude, What Would Happen do podcasts of public domain books. Audio gold, right there:

“Dude, it was the best of times!” “No way, dude, it was the worst of times!” “Aw, man, dude! It can’t be both!” “Literature, dude!” “Dude! What would happen if it WAS the best of times AND the worst of times?” “At the same time?” “Yes!” “DUDE!”

"...Are you still here?"

 F4, 50mm, 1/60 sec, ISO 400 (with Sunpak Flash)

Rusty the kitten returns. He is probably twice this size by now. As you can tell by his expression, he appreciated getting a face full of my external flash.

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Links to my Other Stuff and Things:

Ginger and the Geek – (no new show last week, so here is the latest episode again) Podcast 027 – Andi Osters, Geek Design and Michigan Beer

Geek Speak – LoveLansing: the MSU Surplus Store

Lovable Geek – Obligatory Low Traffic Day Photo, A Hamster for All Seasons, Lansing Derby Vixen Bending Space and Time

Magic of Eyri – Podcast 039 – Mystery of the Owls

Mansense – Ice Cream